


Baby, You Know I Count Them

by TheRoyalPrussianArmy



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Brotzly - Freeform, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friedken also implied/past, Happy Ending, M/M, Music AU, dua lipa au, mention of current Farandina, mention of past Tarah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-08
Updated: 2017-12-08
Packaged: 2019-02-12 02:58:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12949827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRoyalPrussianArmy/pseuds/TheRoyalPrussianArmy
Summary: 'One, don't pick up the phoneYou know he's only calling 'cause he's drunk and aloneTwo, don't let him inYou'll have to kick him out againThree, don't be his friendYou know you're gonna wake up in his bed in the morningAnd if you're under him, you ain't getting over him'





	Baby, You Know I Count Them

**Author's Note:**

> Spacing is a lie.
> 
> Absolutely inspired by Dua Lipa's 'New Rules'. Doesn't follow it exactly, but it is 110% inspired by the song. And it is one hundred percent an au.
> 
> Past Friedirk (Friedly? Friendly?), and implied/future Brotzly.

"Dirk, no. Don't." Todd's seated on the couch and has only just looked over at Dirk, who's picked up his phone at the sound of a call.   
  
"Don't what? Don't check my phone when I get a call? What if it's Farah? What if she needs help or... Something." Dirk steadfastly doesn't look at Todd. The only kind of help Farah needs is the kind when her anxiety is really acting up and she needs their reassurance, and she's showed no signs of raised anxiety. They both know who's calling.   
  
"You got rules Dirk. Remember the rules?" Todd prompts, but Dirk is already distracted by the voice on the other line.   
  
"Hey babe, how you doing tonight?" Hugo Friedkin's slurred voice on the other end of the line sends a shiver down Dirk's spine. Dirk licks his lips and glances at Todd who's gone back to staring at the telly.   
  
"I'm good. What's up?" Dirk replies, as casual as possible. If he pretends casual he can pretend it's someone else.   
  
"Eyyy I was wondering if you wanneda come over tonight yeah? Like old times?" Old times in reference to the past few weeks of drunken fucks in alleys and stairwells and once or twice in a living room. Often enough Hugo's own room when Dirk drags him home. He shouldn't. He really shouldn't.   
  
"Yeah, why not? You're paying. Where are you?" He can  _ feel _ Todd's disapproval without looking. Todd has been trying to keep Dirk from destroying himself over Friedkin, running to his beck and call and, nearly every time, dick.   
  
"Oh, you know. Scotty's on the dock. Love their fish sticks almost as much as I love yours." Friedkin gives an ugly laugh. It's loud enough for Todd to hear through the line.   
  
"Aight babe, I'll see you soon." Friedkin has already hung up. Todd is silent as Dirk sticks his phone in his pocket and grabs his keys. As he walks out the door, Dirk can hear Todd talking under his breath.   
  
"One, don't pick up the phone, you know he's only calling because he's drunk and alone... Two, don't le-"   
  
Dirk shuts the door before he can hear the rest of them.

 

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

 

When Dirk stumbles back in the next day, hungover and sore beyond belief, Todd is in the kitchen cooking. There's a stack of pancakes to the left of him, a bowl of batter to the right, and all other Dirk's favorite condiments in the middle of the table. Dirk swallows and shuts the door quietly, not only because of the pounding headache. It seems Todd hears him anyway though. He's always had a sense for that.   
  
Todd slams the cup he's been using to pour batter down on the counter, hard and angry. He doesn't turn to look at Dirk. There is a tense moment of silence where Dirk can see Todd's hand shaking, clenching tightly before releasing the grip on the cup. To Dirk's surprise, Todd says nothing. He goes back to the pancakes, flipping them over silently. There is a line of tense anger in his shoulders that isn't even close to being hidden, and Dirk looks down at the mirror that hangs across the room.    
  
His hair is a mess, there are several hickies high on his neck, his clothes are rumpled and... He's not even wearing his own shirt. Todd remains silent as Dirk skitters to his room to shower and change.   
  
When he emerges, Todd is seated with his back to Dirk at the table. He's eating slowly, almost mechanically. Dirk has to wonder if something has happened. Todd is normally upset with him after these exchanges but not like this. He's made Dirk's favorite breakfast, and he can even see a milkshake from Thrifty's over Todd's shoulder. Dirk swallows nervously. Suddenly he wants to leave the apartment until this breakfast has been cleaned up.   
  
Instead he shuffles carefully over to the other chair and sits down tenderly. Todd glances up at him and then back down at his food. He still doesn't speak. Dirk picks up the strawberry syrup and drizzles a liberal amount over his pancakes before grabbing his knife and fork. He's had walks of shame before, plenty of them, but he thinks this might be the first breakfast of shame he's had.   


Neither of them say anything throughout breakfast. Todd is stiff and tight, and Dirk doesn't want what he knows is coming to come. He doesn't know exactly what is coming, but he knows it can't be good. When Todd gets up and cleans his plate, sticking it in the dishwasher mechanically instead of singing and dancing and laughing like normal, Dirk finds his appetite abandoning him. His half finished pancakes stare up at him. Instead of floating happily in their deep red pool, they now seem bloated and depressed. Soggy.   
  
Dirk gets up and puts them in the trash while Todd walks back to the couch, pulling his legs up on it and making himself small. He only does that when he's about to broach an uncomfortable topic, something he doesn't want to talk about. Dirk feels a sudden desire to throw a bunch of napkins at Todd and run out the fire escape. Instead he swallows, cleans his own plate, and then goes to sit opposite of Todd on the couch. There are a few moments of silence.   
  
"I don't-" Dirk begins, only to be cut off.   
  
"Seventeen times in just over three weeks, Dirk." Todd says hoarsely. "Or, eighteen, now."   
  
"Todd, really, I-"   
  
"You're an adult Dirk. You make your own decisions and I'm just your best friend. But this... This relationship with Friedkin? You realize he doesn't love you, right? He's looking for sex, and you don't even hesitate before running to him when he calls." Todd keeps his distance and doesn't look at Dirk. "Remember when you first broke up, and you were talking to Ken, and he gave you that list? That list of what to do to deal with post-breakup Friedkin?"   
  
"His name is Hugo." Dirk says softly. Todd slaps his fist into the couch.   
  
"How many times have you followed the list, Dirk?" Todd asks instead of responding. "How many times?"   


"Twice." Dirk murmurs. Once, when Todd had gotten food poisoning from bad chicken. The second time Dirk had seen the call too late, and Farah had been over.   
  
"Twice." Todd whispers. "Out of twenty drunk booty calls, you've ignored two of them." He nods to himself, as though realizing something. "Do you even want to help yourself, Dirk?" Todd asks, finally looking at him. "Do you even want to break this cycle?"   
  
"Of course I do! But then he calls, and I just forget-"   
  
"One! Don't pick up the phone, you know he's only calling because he's drunk and alone!" Todd practically shouts.   
  
"Todd I can't just ignore him, that's rude. It's just... It's just a bit of harmless fun." Dirk insists.   
  
"Two, don't let him in, you'll have to kick him  _ out _ again!" Todd growls as he stands. He glares at Dirk, who they both know is going to be walking with a limp until tomorrow.   
  
"That's hardly fair of you to say, I know how you were with Farah, and I'm just being friendly."   
  
" _ Three _ , don't be his  _ friend _ , you know you're gonna wake up in his bed in the morning." Todd turns around.   
  
"Hardly in his bed since we broke up, really." Dirk mutters. He can see Todd restraining himself from kicking the wall. Or Dirk.   
  
"Four. If you're under him, you're not getting  _ over _ him." Todd turns to glare at Dirk who feels like a six year old being scolding for trying to kiss frogs to see if they'd turn into fairy tale princes again.   
  
"These are  _ your _ rules, Dirk. You ought to count them the next time  _ Hugo _ calls." Todd snaps before he storms out of the apartment.   
  
Dirk is left in uncomfortable, lonely silence.

 

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

 

Todd doesn't pick up his calls. It probably helps that he left his phone in the apartment. Farah isn't picking up his calls either. Dirk sits on the couch, fiddling with the small object that has helped cause the drama in his life.   
  
Todd had been upset since the moment Hugo had come into the picture. He claimed he got a bad feeling from Hugo, to which Dirk had always replied he was always getting good feelings from Hugo. But Hugo... Apparently loved giving everyone good feelings. Ken, Hugo's previous boyfriend, had warned Dirk about it. But Dirk had been foolish and hopeful and certain that it would all work out. Ken had given him the rules for the breakup with Hugo once Todd had told him of the event. Dirk had heard them, wrote them down, read them, and listened to Todd repeat them multiple times. Todd seemed more insistent Dirk get over Hugo than anyone else was. And Dirk... Has an idea why, but he's wondering if he's made a mistake now.   
  
Or. He has been making mistakes, but the way Todd had behaved this morning hinted at a much bigger mistake. Dirk bites his tongue before texting Farah.   
  
_ i wanna talk about Todd. Plz call me. _   
  
He waits by his phone for fifteen minutes before Farah's name and lovely, smiling face light up his screen.   
  
"Talk." She says, shortly.

"Todd is in love with me. Or he was. I don't know anymore. But I mean, why yesterday? Why today? He was so angry this morning, Farah. I've done-"   
  
"You've done Friedkin before. Several times, I know. And Todd has tried to help you every single time. And every time you blow him off, say you're fine and you know what you're doing, it's not Hugo it's some fake friend you made up on the spot to go get fucked. Neither of us are dumb. And I think Todd has finally realized that no matter how much he loves you and wants to help, you're useless unless you choose to help yourself too." Farah is blunt and unforgiving. Although she'd known Dirk before Todd, she and Todd had dated for a time before they split amicably when Farah finally realized, after years of suppression, she was a lesbian. The pair had remained close friends and Dirk was entirely unsurprised that Farah was taking Todd's side in this. And Todd... Did have the better side, admittedly.    
  
Dirk is quiet for a breath.   
  
"Does that mean he no longer loves me?" Dirk asks quietly. Farah sighs and Dirk knows she is rolling her eyes and counting to five.   
  
"I think it means he's trying to drown his sorrows in cheap beer and letting Amanda belittle him and Tina play dress up. You can have him back tomorrow. Maybe. But today, tonight, we're keeping him. Sort your shit out Dirk. I won't let Todd suffer because you're too dumb to get your head out of your ass about your ex." Farah hangs up on him and Dirk is still for a minute.    
  
In all his worst nightmares and fears, losing Todd had never been part of them. Todd had been a complete and utter constant since their first tumultuous meeting. Dirk had thought, foolishly, that he could never lose Todd. Now it seemed that he very well might because of his own inability to let go.   
  
Taking a deep breath he stands up and walks to the kitchen. He picks up a piece of paper and a pen.   
  
"One, don't pick up the phone, you know he's only calling cause he's drunk and alone..."

 

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

 

The next day is almost a parallel of the previous apart from who is playing which part. Todd stumbled in late in the morning to Dirk frying bacon. He's quiet, in a rather melancholy way. The sounds of Dirk in the kitchen are familiar and comforting even as they make him want to cry.   
  
"Bacon pancakes, making bacon pancakes... You make some bacon and you put it in a pan- Oh! Todd, you're back! Sit down and- Or, oh, no. Go wash your face first, Christ. Tina did a number on you, didn't she?" Dirk is sympathetic. Todd looks like a hooker from the seventies with large winged eyes and a veritable hood of green eye shadow. It's a strong hint to Todd's current mindset that he doesn't say anything smart on return. Instead he shuffles, zombie-like, into his bathroom. Dirk is nervous as he hears the water run. Todd takes twice as long as he normally does, but that might just be because of the makeup. When Todd emerges, he's wearing his loose flannel bottoms and one of Dirk's old sweatshirts that he'd stolen just a week or so ago. Todd was constantly changing them out as the smell ran out. This one was a dull navy with some weird slogan on it. It was large on Dirk, which meant it was doubly so on Todd. Dirk thought his heart might be swelling up- that might be something he should get looked at.   
  
Todd slides into his seat and Dirk puts a pancake and some bacon in front of him. It's a different feeling than yesterday. There's still a hint of hopelessness about Todd, but Dirk is more awake and determined. He sits down at his own space and digs in. Todd eats slower, savoring the food. He's only halfway done when Dirk speaks.

"I know I've been fucking up lately. A lot. A truly immense amount. And I know you've been here for me even though I've been nothing but an insurmountable twat. I was certain I knew best and you were just trying to help and I was completely blowing you off. But I'm going to do better. I'm going to move on. For real this time. No more answering calls from Hugo. No more letting myself get screwed over, figuratively or literally. Or both. I've got my rules. I'm going to count them and follow them. And I... I would appreciate it if you helped me with that. The counting the rules, bit. And um. Maybe. With. The moving on bit." The last few sentences are said nervously, like he doesn't know if Todd will be interested in remaining with him, in any capacity. Dirk begins to shovel pancakes into his mouth to fight the nerves of Todd being silent.   
  
Todd has stopped moving, staring at Dirk like he's seeing a future version of his friend suddenly. Dirk glances at him to see Todd wiping his nose. His eyes are red and watery, but he's nodding. Slowly and then more firmly and Dirk feels himself relax. He's not losing Todd. Or, at least, he's not losing his friend Todd.   
  
"I... I'm sorry about yesterday. I shouldn't have gotten mad, it's your life and-"   
  
"No. No, you were right. Ken gave me those suggestions, those rules, for a reason, and I thought I knew better and was just... Completely not. I was absolutely not interested in helping myself but I... I had a talk with Farah yesterday and I have come to the conclusion that I cannot... I cannot lose you, Todd Brotzman. As my friend or my roommate or... Or a maybe-something. And I do want to... Do better. For you. And myself, of course, because he always forgets to use enough lube, or maybe he doesn't care, and he's absolutely not skilled enough to get away with that, and-"   
  
Todd makes a sound like he's choking and Dirk stops talking, concerned. Todd waves his hand.   


"For the love of God, Dirk, I have never wanted to know  _ less _ about your sex life." Todd rasps, sniffling. But there is a slight smile on his face and he doesn't look angry or like he wants to die. Not like yesterday. Dirk grins.   
  
"Are you sure? I have quite a bit of experience, besides him, and-"   
  
"Oh my  _ God _ Dirk! No!" Todd is laughing, and Dirk thinks that maybe, just maybe, everything will be just fine.   


▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

 

Later that night, after a long talk about them and Friedkin and their maybe-potential-future-relationship, they are seated like normal on the couch. Dirk is sprawled out, taking up most of the space. Todd is seated in the corner, Dirk's feet on his lap and a book in hand that he's not actually reading. There's a movie playing on the screen, something with explosions and cars. Dirk's not actually paying attention. He's watching Todd, wondering how he had missed it before, how much Todd truly  _ cared _ for him. He is laying there, thinking and content, when his phone rings. 'HUGO' flashes on the screen, a picture of a cartoon dick accompanying it.   
  
Despite their talk, Todd immediately stiffens. The hand he had resting on Dirk's foot tightens before he moves it back to his book. Dirk hesitates and then gets up. Todd looks down at his book and Dirk wants to slap his past self, even the him of yesterday, for doing so much to cause it. He goes into the kitchen and rummages around for the paper he'd made yesterday. Once found, he returns to the couch and sits close to Todd. Dirk slides the paper in front of the page Todd's on and when Todd looks up, Dirk smiles at him.   
  
"One. Don't pick up the phone, you know he's only calling cause he's drunk and alone." Dirk murmurs, cuddling close to Todd. His phone keeps ringing. Todd puts an arm around his back and squeezes Dirk, pressing a kiss to his hair.   
  
"Got new rules, count them." Todd murmurs in response. Dirk grins and wraps his arms around Todd's stomach.   
  
"I got new rules, I count them." He says back, squeezing. Todd grins and kisses his forehead before allowing Dirk a quick peck to the lips.   
  
Everything, Dirk decides, is going to be alright.

 


End file.
